Bride Hard – Dir: Simon West (13th Floor Film Review)
Bride Hard – tried hard. Do I take this lazy, thrown-together snoozefest as my next big matrimonial-based blockbuster? Absolutely not, and neither should you!
Starring Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, Anna Chlumsky, Da’Vine Joy Randolph, Gigi Zumbado, Stephen Dorff, and Justin Hartley.
Rebel Wilson’s latest vehicle misses the mark like a bridal bouquet tossed by someone who’s just spent a lot of time patronising the open bar—messy, misguided, and cringy to watch. You’ll be wishing you could pull a Julia Roberts Runaway Bride and sprint down the aisle, right out of the theatre.
Wedding comedies as a genre have some serious shoes to fill: Four Weddings and a Funeral, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Wedding Crashers, Bridesmaids — classics packed with heart, humour, and charm. In contrast, Bride Hard feels more like being forced to listen to your great uncle Maurice’s 90-minute speech, at your second cousin’s cut price wedding breakfast at the Holiday Inn.
Sure, some movies are so bad they’re good. Take Showgirls (1995), the cult classic whose infamous reputation spawned a brilliant documentary, You Don’t Nomi, which may also be the best wordplay documentary title ever.
Bride Hard however, is just plain old terrible.
So instead of a traditional review, let us imagine the pitch meeting that birthed this un vrai capharnaüm (that’s French for “dog’s breakfast” — because they filmed the opening fifteen minutes in Paris and because I wanted to sound smarter than this movie):
Pitch Person: “It’s a cross between Die Hard and Bridesmaids!”
Pitchee: “Cool, so tons of kick-ass action and killer comedy with charming moments where we realise the importance of friendship?”
Pitch Person: “: “Well… not really. No killer action, no laughs and definitely, absolutely no charm”
Pitchee: “Got it. Who’s starring?”
Pitch Person: “Rebel Wilson as Sam. But really, she’s just playing Rebel Wilson. And Justin Hartley as Chris.”
Pitchee: “Justin who now?”
Pitch Person: “You know, that guy from This Is Us.”
Pitchee: Blank stare
Pitch Person: “Also, the weasel who broke Christa’s heart on Selling Sunset.”
Pitchee: “Oh, THAT guy. So… he’s our leading man because…?”
Pitch Person: “He’s available. All the other generically good-looking dudes? Busy.”
Pitchee: “Like Chris Pine?”
Pitch Person: “Busy. Or am I thinking of James Marsden? Honestly, they all blur together.”
Pitchee: “Who else?”
Pitch Person: “Anna Camp from Pitch Perfect—she knows her place. Anna Chlumsky—mostly there so the audience wastes time trying to remember where they’ve seen her before instead of noticing the giant plot holes. And Da’Vine Joy Randolph.”
Pitchee: “Wait, the Oscar winning and Tony-nominated Da’Vine Joy Randolph?”
Pitch Person: “Yep! She mostly delivers dick jokes and rocks a bridesmaid dress that reveals approximately 80% of her boobs. It’s a subtle distraction technique.”
Pitchee: “Nice. And the villain?”
Pitch Person: “Stephen Dorff. He was…available.”
Pitchee: “Plot?”
Pitch Person: “Sam’s best friend Betsy (Anna Camp) thinks Sam is a plinth provider for cat shows but she’s really a secret agent.
Pitchee: “Cat shows?”
Pitch Person: “Yeah, cat lady jokes. Always funny, right? Also we were pretty drunk when we came up with that.
Pitchee: “Right… What happens next?”
Pitch Person: “Sam is matron of honour but then gets fired for disappearing mid-hen party—which is actually just our excuse for a lame 15-minute chase scene shot in Paris, because Rebel loves Paris and we had to blow some budget somewhere.”
Pitchee: “Ok…”
Pitch Person: “At the wedding, Sam finds herself in the middle of a kidnapping/robbery that makes zero sense but vaguely involves cartels. There are also half-hearted romantic subplots—Sam and that really wooden guy – *consults notes* – oh yeah. Justin Hartley, Lydia and a “hot priest,” and absolutely zero chemistry all around.”
Pitchee: “And the climax?”
Pitch Person: “Sam saves the day, sort of. The bad guy almost blows everything up but then hands over the detonator after a half -hearted intervention from Sam. Sam then accidentally blows up the same stuff. Everyone laughs, because destruction of property is super funny when Rebel Wilson does it.
Then we close out the whole debacle with a standard cheesy musical number.”
Pitchee: “Sounds f*cking awful. But hey, when else will we get to use all these B-listers that we still have under contract all at once?, Let’s make us some movie mediocrity!!”
Jazz hands and fade out
In the interests of fairness, I do have one good thing to say about Bride Hard.
Which is that at 90 minutes, it is not as long as some other movies.
Bottom line: Bride Hard is a bewildering, messy dog’s breakfast of bad jokes, worse action, and zero sparks. If you want a movie to remind you how much better good wedding comedies can be the by all means see it at your peril but to quote Tay Tay, “don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya”
No shade on the divine Da’Vine Joy Randolph—she deserves better. And if you’re wondering where you’ve seen Anna Chlumsky before, it’s mostly My Girl (1991), not that it helps this movie one bit.
Jo Barry
Bride Hard is in cinemas tomorrow. Click here for tickets and showtimes.
